Jeremy is a pretty regular, boring guy. Nothing of importance happens in his life, and I'm pretty sure he's fine with that. Look, he's sitting on the couch right now, just watching episode after episode of some stupid show on Netflix. I'd love to tell you some great story about how he's somehow found a way to live his life differently, maybe through a life lesson or by really digging deep or something. But he's not doing much of anything, really. Oh, wait.
No, he was just going to the fridge to grab another beer.
There's more than enough stuff in his life that needs fixing, and I really think this would offer some perfect opportunities to really go out there and learn something. A good lesson. To improve. Anything.
But here we are. Just sitting there.
He does this a lot, you know. Not just today. Hell, ever since he lost his job this is pretty much what he does. Using his savings to just sit around and do nothing. And it's not like his bank account is that extravagant. In a matter of weeks he's going to have to do something or he'll lose the apartment. How'd he lose his job, I assume you're asking? Well, even that's a boring story. The company outsourced his entire department and he was one of 15 laid off. He was offered a transition coach but he decided not to.
Because Netflix, I guess. Shit, he's got cheetos stains on his shirt and he's wiping his greasy hands on the sofa.
I'm ashamed. Really. Of all the narration assignments I've had, this has both been one of the longest and one of the most excruciatingly, mind-numbingly boring ones.
Jeremy doesn't need a narrator, he needs a kick in the butt.
I want to give up but I can't. I don't have a choice. When he does do something, I have to narrate it. The contract's pretty iron-clad.
Jeremy bends over and grabs the remote. He turns on the subtitles.
And that's the great adventure of the day, people! Jeremy, our hero, has found the button to turn subtitles on!
What a jerk.
"Oh my god! Shut the hell up!" Jeremy suddenly shouted at me.
"Wait, you can hear me?" I said, shocked.
"Yes! I can hear you! I've been hearing you for weeks!"
"You're not supposed to be able to hear me," I said, shuffling some papers around, looking for the contract.
"Why do you think I've been hiding inside? You're driving me insane!"
"Oh, so it's my fault? You've done nothing but lie around watching television ever since I started!"
Jeremy turned around on the couch and looked in my direction. My direction being a corner of the room. I'm not actually physically present, but there's an aura, I guess? And I guess he detected it.
"It IS your fault. You showed up right around the time I got fired. I had intended to accept the transition coach, to go look for jobs as soon as possible. And then a voice suddenly started talking about me, in my head. Suddenly I felt like I was losing my mind."
"Look, buddy, I don't know how you're picking up on me, but the contract clearly states..."
"I didn't sign any contract. You need to leave."
"If I go, I'll get fired. I can't do that. Besides, even if I do, it's very likely I'll just be replaced by someone else."
"Anyone who's not you would be an improvement. You're an asshole. You've done nothing but bitch about me since you've showed up."
"YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING."
Jeremy got a very angry look on his face.
"Go. Now. Or I'll lie around and watch Netflix until I die of starvation."
I considered my options. I couldn't just go.
I sent a message to my supervisor explaining what happened. He shared my confusion about being noticed and said it'd be better to leave.
"Fine. I'll go. But you'd better make something of yourself, because this..." I waved my non-corporeal arm around the room. "This is just sad."
"Message received. Loudly. Get the hell out."
Jeremy sat back and hit resume on the show he was watching.
"Good," he said to himself, "now I don't need subtitles anymore," and he turned them off.