Nanoprep 2021 Day 11: Waste of Fucking Time
By Robin de Voh on 2021-10-18
It was a nice day, and the sun was shining on his back. He'd found these hidden pathways in the park a while ago, and ever since he would make sure to get off the beaten path and use these instead. Even though he was in the middle of the city, here he could forget that for a while and just be surrounded by the trees. The trails pounded into the ground by others who had gone off the beaten path looked as natural as any hiking trail he'd ever seen.
There was something calming about being in nature, and he found that after not having been able to go on a vacation for this long, he actively longed for the freedom and feeling of the outdoors.
He'd grown up around nature, but he had realized a few years ago he had taken it for granted. When he moved to the 'big city', that realization hit so much harder than it ever had before.
And that he had wasted his fucking time.
He'd spent his time usefully, yes, of course. He'd done important things that had brought him joy, success, and a much better vantage point for the future. But he'd also forgone travel, adventures, experiences, to somehow prove to himself and those around him (whether they cared he didn't even really know) that he could achieve success in his chosen field. In life.
He'd paused so many things. He'd said no, not because he didn't want to, but because he felt he needed to be productive. That he needed to produce. And it had never been enough.
His self worth had become tied to that.
But at some point, something had shaken something loose in his mind, and he'd somehow instantly decided that enough was enough. He had proved his worth, and he didn't need to be so incredibly cramped up about it anymore. He could enjoy himself, and trust that his worth was verifiable, seen, and enough. He could let off the gas and look around and enjoy himself more.
So he did. He planned vacations when that was possible again, and it just reinforced his feelings. He opened himself up for love, which led to what one could only describe as a strong learning experience of what type of person not to date ever again. He started writing more, and it made him happy, to the point he was comfortable enough to do what he'd not done for years -- show it to people that weren't already fans. He'd picked up new hobbies that had sort of intrigued him for years, but he'd never really followed up on. Woodworking, hiking, building his side projects.
Because he knew that once he got into those, he'd follow through on them. And he had convinced himself he didn't have time for frivolous things like that.
So then he sat there, his new hiking gear in hand, and he checked all of it. His collection was complete. He was, purely on a gear basis, ready to go. Now all he needed was to get ready to actually, quite literally, go the distance.
He talked to anyone who'd listen about his newfound love of walking around, because it was something that had been bubbling up in his mind for years. It was like a volcano of enthusiasm was exploding. He always had the tendency to want to share stuff he found and loved with anyone who'd listen, "share the love" he'd call it, but this one was special.
Only weeks after having completed his first longer hikes he knew this one was for real. This would become a long-lasting thing. So his enthusiasm was up to what he could only imagine was mega-annoying levels.
And when he thought to himself that he was probably boring some people, he just laughed. Fuck 'em. He'd find the people who would at some level share -- or at least enjoy -- his enthusiasm, and those were the people he liked juuuuust a bit more. And those who found it boring? Ok, great, no hard feelings, but he would keep going without their support.
He'd lament from time to time, "It's going to be hard to get to the level of these people who do 3000km hikes," and then smile and add "but I'm going to get there."
And sometimes people would attempt to add some realism, or at least, so they thought, and would say things like 'Ah, you don't need much skill for just walking', or 'yeah, at your age it'll take a lot longer', but it didn't faze him.
"You don't need skill" is true to an extent, you just walk. But experience is important. Knowing when to take a break, when your body needs to rest, or how to approach certain situations. How to pack, how to carry, how to eat. Going for a week-long (or even longer) trek required not walking skill, but trekking skill. And being able to physically move the right way so walking massive amounts of kilometers a day didn't break you -- yeah. Maybe it did take some skill, actually.
"Yeah, at your age it's hard" he just considered a massively defeatist attitude. It was either younger people who couldn't imagine doing it, so for a little bit older person like him it would obviously be even harder, or it was people his age or over who couldn't imagine it either, so obviously it'd be at least equally hard for him. Either way, he felt that the people who said this were telling themselves more than him.
So he'd just say one thing in response, and left it at that.
"It might take me longer to get to their level," he'd say with a smirk.
"But when I'm at their level, I'm at their level."