Nanoprep 2023 Day 1: Fuck I Skipped a Year
By Robin de Voh on 2023-10-02
Fuck, I skipped a year. Sorry, not sorry. But sorry.
I just couldn't do it. Writing felt frivolous. The world was obviously on fire and there I was, contemplating writing silly stories, like it wasn't on fire at all. While Ukrainians were fighting for their country and dying for either doing so, or simply for having the absolute gall to just be alive, I was sitting there, trying to come up with an idea for a story.
But I couldn't think of anything outside of that. I felt guilty, for not having a platform, or a relevant voice (both as a Westerner and someone who could never have claimed a deep knowledge of Ukraine before), for being safe while they were not. It felt unfair.
So I didn't write. 2022 was, for me, the year I could not write. It's not that I just didn't, or didn't want to. I couldn't. Every idea I had felt like it was too light-hearted for the state the world was in. It felt dismissive of the chaos around us. And that's me saying that, safe in little ol' Netherlands, hiding behind big bro Germany (and that's an... odd thing to say when referring to a war in Europe, not lost on me).
February 24th is an interesting date. The day before, the 23rd, I went on a hike with a friend, and one of the topics we eventually got to during our 5 hour trek, was whether russia would really invade Ukraine or not. He said he couldn't imagine it, I said I fully expected it, and both of us agreed we fucking hoped not.
So. February 24th of 2022 the war was made more explicit than ever before due to the invasion.
February 20th of 2014 russia rolled into Crimea and subsequently faked a referendum. Pro-russian president Yanukovych fled the country on February 22nd 2014. This is also the day the Euromaidan demonstrations ended in Kyiv.
My birthday is the 19th of February.
Everything that's been happening has, as a result, somehow always managed to feel connected to me, even if it is indirectly with only an arbitrary date connecting us. But I remember when the revolution was going on, I was following the news intently as well. I was working for a small development company in Bussum, immensely unhappy with my job, and every lunch break I'd go for an hour-long walk by myself.
I remember sitting near the water reading about it all. The reasons for Euromaidan, the whole EU angle, as well as the referendum we had about the trade deal. And I don't think it's really ever truly left my mind since.
For the past year and a half, I have tried to be as supportive as I can towards Ukraine, but it always feels like it's not enough. I've donated, bought somewhat overpriced items from Ukraine, and boosted Ukrainian voices on twitter (before that itself became even more of a pit of shit). But I keep on trying, and my friends from Ukraine tell me it's enough and I shouldn't worry. But I do.
And though I'm sad to admit it, by now the war's become almost a normality. There is war there. It sometimes feels like it's always been there. As a Dutch citizen, ever since MH-17 it's been front of mind more than I would like to admit.
But this year, listening to my friends, Ukrainian and otherwise, I know I have to write. I skipped a year because my focus simply needed to be on one specific thing. I couldn't get distracted, or I'd be one of the callous Westerners who don't give a shit. And I don't want to be. Even as I write these stories this month, I will not be.
This first one only half counts. But I didn't want to ignore it. I didn't want to not mention it. I had to acknowledge, and also, in some way, make it clear on this website that this is how I feel. I wrote two starts to a story and it felt inappropriate still. So I wrote this.
russia is a terrorist state.
Even Jerry would say so, and he's an absolute dick.